I wish you would care,

and I wish I would stop.

This wasn't a summer.

You should always be there when someone dies,

so they aren't so scared.

I'm lonely, it's dreary,

and I wish I had a friend here who would sit on my bed and watch the L Word with me.

Just remember

that everyone used to be babies, and that everyone grew up.

Why do fools

fall in love?

What kind of asshole kills whales?

Also, please rain, take a chill pill.

Nothing is more precious

than a non-native English speaker trying to figure out the word "mermaid."

When I take a shower,

I stop.

Feeding Philadelphia buckets of pastrami

can't be that bad, right?

Don't pour beer on slugs

it's not nice.

If I were a boy,

I'd hold your hand whenever I'd like.

I lost my job today

and am generally disappointed and weary of generally everything and everyone.